Stephen Colbert on Religion

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From chapter 4 of his book “I am America and so can you.”

A few pull quotes:

• “If you want to go first class on Christ-Track, there is only one way to ride… Roman Catholicism!”
• “Jesus founded only one church folks and it wasn’t Unitarism.”
• “Catholics have many advantages over other Christians. One is marble. For the buck I put into the collection plate, I want some production value. That means a church, not some community center that doubles as basketball court. Also Catholics have saints– more than 10,000 of them. They’re like God’s customer service reps, and each of them has a speciality.”
• “Protestantism, this is a variant form of Christianity, or ‘heresy’”
• “Protestants don’t make me angry as much as disappointed. Unlike the world’s crazy made up religions, they’re so close to getting it right. They’re a single Pope away from reaching their full potential.”
• “You’ve had your 490 year protest, lets move on.”
• “Why don’t Episcopalians just come out and say it – their Anglicans! A bunch of Tory Loyalist Brito-philes… waiting for the day America let’s her guard down and they can reinstate Henry VIII! Let’s keep an eye on these people”
• “Methodist – What, the Church of England wasn’t heretical enough for you?”
• “I’ll give the Mormons this, they know which way the wind blows when America decided polygamy wasn’t the way to, the Mormons changed their ways and banned it! They had similar changes in policy when public opinion turned against the tradition of massacring pioneers and believing all black people are evil.”
• “Pretty much whenever the general populous decides that Mormons are a sinful, crazy cult, their leader receives a message straight from God that makes everything okay.”